What can you do to keep your relationship balanced?

You’re finally in a relationship, everything is beautiful, you think that you have achieved what you wanted. With this, you also sit back and just enjoy the fact that you are not single.

But what’s next? What can you do to make your relationship work in the long term and make you happy together?

Gottman and Krokoff (1989) conducted a longitudinal research with couples, on the basis of which 7 principles were formulated for achieving and maintaining well-being in a relationship (Gottmand and Silver, 2016):

1. Expand you “love map”

How well do you know your partner, what do you know about his feelings and previous relationships? It is important to know the other person’s feelings, thoughts, goals and fears. That way we don’t misunderstand what the other wants. We understand each other better, which makes it easier to deal with crisis situations affecting the relationship.

Have “conversational dates”, tell each other about your past relationships, your childhood wishes, get to know each other.

2. An everyday expression of love

If you feel that something is not working so well in your relationship, think about why you are together, how it was in the beginning. Recall happy moments, beautiful memories. For 7 days collect positive character traits from each other, even if this is difficult.

As you collect what you value in the other, you will look at each other differently. It helps to strengthen the connection, deepen the love, or even bring back what you already felt lost.

3. Turning to each other

Think about how much time you spend together. How much of that is quality time? Common program, conversations, attention to the other. If you feel that there is not enough shared experience, change it. Find a new common hobby, common habits. These deepen your relationship, you get to know each other better, and increase your secure bond.

When you are talking, really pay attention to what the other person is saying. If you turn to him with understanding attention, he will feel your support.

In a relationship it is important to be able to count on the other person. Whether you need emotional, financial, or any instrumental support (e.g. taking you somewhere by car). If you can count on the other person in “smaller” everyday situations, you will be able to handle larger conflict situations better, because mutual trust has developed.

4. Joint decision

Do you feel a difference in which of you makes more decisions? You may be inclined to leave the decisions to your partner, because it is more “comfortable” and you don’t have to think so much. Or, on the contrary, it is easier for you if you decide everything and things “move” that way.

But if the control shifts a lot into the hands of one party, then a subordination relationship develops.

It may be more complicated and time-consuming to discuss decisions, and may even lead to conflict. But if you don’t discuss who needs what, one party will constantly give up their own desires.

The relationship will be more balanced if you do not participate in decisions individually, but as a couple, thinking of yourselves as “we” instead of “me” and “you”.

5. Solving problems

 Based on Gottman’s (1989) research, a higher proportion of couples break up due to quarrels over solvable problems. It is much easier for couples to accept conflicts that cannot be resolved.

How is it possible for people to break up over problems they could solve?

We often don’t pay attention to others, or even to ourselves. We don’t notice what is causing the difficulty. When we notice what the problems are, there are often too many and suddenly we don’t know which one to deal with.

In addition, even if we know what is bothering us, we often prefer not to speak, so as not to “hurt” the other person. Of course, our mate will have no idea that we don’t like something.

If we notice that we are slipping into such games, be honest and discuss the problem, thereby breaking this usual cycle.

6. Handling obstructions

If you can’t find a solution to a problem, it can easily lead to an obstruction. These can be clear: e.g. you don’t want to live in the same city.

But they can also be harder to grasp. How ready do you feel for a serious relationship, do you want to commit, but also maintain your independence.

How can you handle these?

If you already practice managing your conflicts, you will be able to uncover obstructions more easily. Just because you don’t want the same thing out of the relationship right now doesn’t mean you have to end it.

In young adulthood it is common that two parties are not “on the same page” in terms of the development of the relationship. One of you already wants to get engaged and move in together. Other, on the other hand, prefer to be more independent, to find his/her place in the world on his/her own.

If you give yourself a chance, this obstruction will not last forever. Pay attention to the needs of your partner, and change the amount and quality of time you spend together so that neither of you in uncomfortable. If you are open to the other, the relationship between you will continue to deepen, and you will want to spend more time together.

7. Finding common sense

Beyond everyday life situations and decisions, it brings partners closer and keeps them together if there is a common goal, a belief system, for which you can work together.

This can be a faith, a religion, or even a non-religious system, on the basis of which you make your decisions. The shared value system deepens the relationship, intimacy, and sense of belonging between the parties.

Maybe you feel that you are out of touch, stuck at a certain level and want to move on, or just “it’s not the same anymore”.

Try not to lose each other. Honest communication is very important, express it if you don’t like something, change the habits that no longer make you happy.

A relationship is not something beyond your control. You create it yourself, so you can control what happens in it.

Sources:
Gottman, J. M., Krokoff, L. J. (1989). Marital interaction and satisfaction: a longitudinal view. Journal of consulting and clinical psychology, 57(1), 47.
Gottman, J., Silver, N. (2016). A jól működő házasság 7 alapelve - Gyakorlati útmutató az USA első számú párkapcsolati szakértőjétől. Budapest: Kulcslyuk Kiadó.