How to choose a partner?
You feel ready to be in a relationship. But how do you know who to choose? With whom can you form the kind of relationship you desire? What are your expectations for your future partner?
For the development of a relationship sexual attraction, a feeling of appreciation and the existence of trust are important and also plays a large role, how the social status, intellectual and cultural factors and the value system are compatible.
Your current emotional and mental state also influences the kind of partner you choose. It often happens that you end up with a person who you perceive more hurtful rather than supportive.
What could be the reason?
The research of Saffrey and others (2003) shows that we will have positive feelings towards a partner who argues the same way as our own self-evaluation. This also applies to negative self-evaluation, so a person who evaluates us in a negative light can capture our interest.
So, if you are not in your best shape or you are carrying on with your old patterns, it is very easy to end up with a partner who does not meet your needs and who you will always feel “less than” around.
The quality of the relationship is determined to a greater extent by how you and your partner see each other than by how you see yourself.
During the research it was also proven that the existence of the following personality characteristics increases the satisfaction in the relationship: self-control, emotional stability, loyalty, responsibility, kindness, empathy, honesty, generosity, flexibility, positive self-image and the ability to express emotions. However, it can lead to relationship dissatisfaction if the other person is unfriendly, impatient, aggressive, distrustful, jealous, selfish, power-hungry or superior.
Of course, everyone knows that it is not good to be in a relationship with a partner with such negative qualities, however, unfortunately, it happens that you enter this negative circle, where your self-esteem constantly decreases, and at the same time, your partner becomes more and more dissatisfied with you.
What can you do to avoid this situation?
According to Levine and Heller (2012) attachment experts the signs of this can be recognize, for example, if your potential partner does not clearly communicate his/her intentions towards you and/or sends mixed signs. A similar warning sign can be if he/she downgrades you (or his/her previous relationship), does not build on you and is unreliable, as well as if he/she is emotionally or physically distant.
If you meet such a person, it is not worth to initiate a relationship with him/her, because he/she is not yet at the point where you, others are your needs, you would definitely be harmed in such a relationship.
What should you look for in a potential partner?
An emotionally available person is reliable and not afraid of commitment. He/she has no unrealistic ideas about relationships, closed and let go his/her previous relationship. He accepts himself as he is, autonomous, strong, responsible, reliable, efficient. His life has purpose and meaning and his behaviour is consistent with this.
When you feel that you are ready for a relationship, it is important to be aware of your own expectations and values and choose a partner that matches them.
If you feel that your own self-esteem is not the best, do not get into a relationship where you will be hurt even more. First take care of yourself, and when you are mentally healthier, you will be able to find a partner who will further increase your self-esteem and with whom you can live an emotionally complete relationship.
If you have doubts or questions about yourself or if you are afraid that you will slip into a bad relationship, or if you do not know how to choose a partner, or if you want to improve your current relationship, then feel free to contact our psychologist at
Sources:
Levine, A., Heller, R. (2012). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find - and keep – love. NY: Tarcher Perigee.
Saffrey, C., Bartholomew, K., Scharfe, E., Henderson, A., Koopman, R. (2003). Self- and partner-perceptions of interpersonal problems and relationship functioning. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 20(1). 117−139.