What can I learn from a relationship?
The topic of relationships is present in all of our lives: either because we have or because we do not have a relationship. You have probably experienced that both being in a relationship and living as a single person come with uncertainty, doubts and questions. Maybe these few thoughts will help you to take a step back and look at the topic of relationships in a different way. Just like studying, work, self-care or other areas of your life, connection is also a learning process. What does it take to learn something new? Practice, experience and mistakes. So, it is natural that you do not know everything.
There is an unspoken expectation from parents and society that you have perfect relationships already in high school or university. The conveyor belt is created that you can step on to get from the first date to the altar. This expectation and time constraint become internal. Most suffering and anxiety come from whipping yourself, because you do not live your everyday life with or without your love by the book.
It is difficult to go against conventions, habits and parenting patterns. These are very powerful codes, they are embedded deep inside you, they are infused from the time you are a new-born. You have memories, for example, of how your parents treated each other, how they showed love to each other and to their children, how was the division of work. This pattern determines your operation. Internalized codes can hinder relationship building, make it more difficult to express your feelings, indicate your needs, communicate, draw your boundaries and experience intimacy.
Maybe you have a lot of anger and rage built up inside you, which is spilling over into your partner. You may have an experience that makes you completely turn your back on the “expression of love” of your ancestors. The first step is definitely to recognize and admit that your family or family member was not loving or supportive. Then you may need a professional to revise the pattern. Do not be afraid to ask for help, because with self-awareness work you can change the negative pattern that has been handed down for generations, with which you may have been “hurt”.
So, you should look at the topic of relationships as another opportunity to get to know yourself. In addition to the aforementioned transgenerational topics, you can map your attachment pattern: would you describe yourself as rejecting-avoidant, anxious-worrying, distrustful-avoidant or securely attached. It is important to note that these categories are not perpetual stamps. Reading the literature can give you a clue, but then it is unnecessary to describe yourself with these labels. In addition to the attachment pattern, you can find out what can make you happy, what kind of kindness you welcome. When do you feel happy, is there such a thing at all? What freaks you out, what you do not like? You can observe, how well you are alone (even if you have a partner). Can you keep yourself busy, do you have friends, do you have hobbies?
The list of questions is endless. Perhaps the point is to watch yourself: your body’s signs, your thoughts, your reactions. Dare to look at your initially unsympathetic operation and try to sweep around your own house first. In addition, you can do something in every moment to acknowledge and support yourself. You are a complete whole together with your strengths, your qualities to be developed, and not-yet-known parts of your personality. If both parties can take responsibility for their own patterns, then there is a chance for an exciting journey together, full of ups and downs. Remember, at the Centre for Student Services and Career you can count on our psychologists and mental health staff at any time, you just have to write a letter to